Journeys of a Question-Asker

It began with me loving nature.  And I think the question-asking sprung from there.

Everybody has a story.  Why don't we listen more?  Today I'm thinking about mine.  I heard someone else's.  Now I'm left with bigger questions, but I'm grateful for them.

Why am I here?  Where will I go?  How is it that I'm still riding this river, this journey that flows through peaceful channels and over turbulent, cascading waterfalls.  I've been a Christian much of my life.  But I've also been a Pagan, a Wiccan, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and always a Question-asker.


So I ask those questions.  I won't feel bad for it.

“There is so much deep contradiction in my soul. Such deep longing for God - so deep that it is painful - a suffering continual - and yet not wanted by God - repulsed - empty - no faith - no love - no zeal. Souls hold no attraction - Heaven means nothing - to me, it looks like an empty place - the thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God. Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything. For I am only His - so He has every right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God. . . .

Your devoted child in Jesus Christ,
Mother. Teresa” 

Why do I worry over my questions when I see, within the chaos in this world, so many beautiful answers.  So many beautiful moments.  So many terrifyingly incredible waves of catastrophic glory.  So I am left here wondering, reveling in the chaotic masterpiece of my soul and the souls around me.
Let's listen to the masterpiece for a moment, let's stop to hear the sound of the beauty in the hypocrisy of our own hearts.  Maybe those questions will be the most beautiful sounds we have heard in a long, long time.

Sheila

Bulimia Update: One Year Later

Trigger warning: ED behaviours.

Today this memory popped up on my facebook feed.

Bulimia Update, January 17, 2016.

It's been a whole year.  It's bizarre to realize how far I've come and how much has happened.  At the time I said that going 4 days purge-free was common, that I'd even had a couple purge-free weeks.  Now it's weeks and months that are common.  In the past 3 months it's happened once.  It's no longer a daily struggle.  Yes the thoughts do enter my mind, but I've learned how to deal with them.  It doesn't mean it is never a struggle.  There are days - especially those alone days.

Still - most of the time, I'm fine.  Why?  First of all, I've been on medication for almost 2 years, and that has helped enormously.  I've also been in therapy on and off, and that has also been a huge blessing.  I learned more healthy coping mechanisms.  I came out.  Let me tell you, the amount of stress and pain from being closeted is absolutely monumental.  Unspeakable!  So while there was a lot of pain and struggle that was born of coming out, it was the beginning of the end of the constant inner pain.

So today, I press on, learning more about myself, my world, grateful for the progress I have made because, to quote myself a year ago,

"I'm making progress.  Yes, there is hope.  It is possible to overcome.  But it's a journey, it's not just a single step."

Another step has been taken, and I'm so grateful.

-Sheila