A Bulimia Update

Trigger Warning - ED behaviours.

So I've been thoughtful and vague for a while, and I do enjoy writing that way, but I think it's high time that I write a true recovery update, to face where I'm at and what's happening on the journey.

I'm still bulimic.

Working on recovery, yes.  Every week looks different.  Every day, actually.  Has progress been made?  Certainly!  Just a few months ago I couldn't see to the time I'd be able to go 4 days purge-free, and now that's common.  There have even been a few times where I went a week or two.

Some days I don't have any desire to binge, nor purge, and everything seems almost easy.  The next day might be fraught with all sorts of urges and yet, somehow, the will to fight.  Yet other days go by in a mist of depressive thoughts and yet bulimia does not rule my day.  Other days are bright and beautiful and yet I find myself full to bursting, and the eventual forthcoming of said food.  Completely blindsided.  Sometimes you just don't know it's coming.

Or perhaps some brief yet stressful season passes through - tests, conflicts, quizzes, projects, worries - and the healthy coping strategies fail me.  There is no intellectual desire to binge or purge, yet it happens, sometimes again and again, unstoppable, painful, horrifying, humiliating.

So slowly, tearfully, when the numbness wears off, I get back up, brush off the dust, run to Christ for the strength to keep struggling, to keep trying, to keep working hard to put this behind me.

Yeah, I'm making progress.  Yes, there is hope.  It is possible to overcome.  But it's a journey, it's not just a single step.

Pressing on.