I used to think there were just dramatic days. You know, those days when you have some crazy run-in with a store manager, have a work kerfuffle, a scheduling conflict, and find yourself running late for your 5th appointment of the day and short on caffeine.
Except now that I'm living life in the real world (AKA, I'm an adult who doesn't exist in a bubble), I'm discovering that pretty much every day has a significant amount of drama. Because humans.
Humans are crazy, I tell you! And I have first-hand experience since I, too, am human. Humans trying to coordinate with one another makes for some pretty dramatic moments. Goodness, grocery shopping can become quite the drama! Not to mention money, which I'm finding is quite a pesky nuisance, especially when it comes to earning enough of it in a relatively short period of time (like, when rent and car insurance and utilities are all due at once, oh and then there is tuition due. Oops.).
I'm also realizing that a whole lot of what's out there passing as 'sophisticated' is just a sham. It's really just people who are awesome at faking it, making a fancy design and throwing together some serious wordsmithing (Starbucks, anyone?).
Also, selfies? Nobody looks that good. Makeup and filters, that's where it's at. We're all just little bitty drama queens with phones. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean, we might as well share our dramatic lives with some other crazy humans, right?
Because all of us have plenty of drama from day-to-day, and so we can look around and smile to ourselves and remember that hey, that guy in his fancy car, that lady who looks so classy, they're just faking their way through the drama too.
Enjoy the ride!
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Sunday, March 12, 2017
When We Rise
I just got to the end of the new series "When We Rise," based on Cleve Jones' book. Perhaps it's rather cliche for me to begin writing just after having seen a gripping film, but here I am again, affected by an idea, by a whole host of ideas, and contemplating my own existence as a result. I'm overwhelmed and awestruck at the immensity of how my life has been affected.
the new series "When We Rise," based on Cleve Jones' book.
Just a year ago even, it was all so fresh for me, so new. When DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) was overturned in the supreme court, I don't even think I realized at first. It was just another day. I was in Canada, I was about to leave for Europe, and I had pushed my own queer-ness to the back of my mind for the time. I wasn't ready to go back and work through it, even though I'd known so many years before. But what I didn't realize on June 26, 2015, was that just one year later I'd be planning my own queer wedding to the woman who is now my sweet wife.
I remember the day that British Columbia got gay marriage. 2003. I was just 11 years old, and I was told that it was a very dark day. I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but, apparently, equality was not considered a blessing. In 2005, all of Canada had legalized same-sex marriage. It took another 10 years for the United states to make that decision.
What I didn't see before today was the immensity of the struggle it took to get there. The marriage of two women was made legal just in time for us to make use of it. And we walked down the aisle and chose to love each other.
Still.
I may never have marched on Washington. I may never have been stabbed in a back alley for my sexual orientation. I may never have felt the stinging separation between lesbians and gays. But that does not mean I have been immune from the sting of discrimination or hatred. It does not mean that we have not spent long, dark nights crying, begging for things to be different. I was thrown out of college for who I love. I endured harassment, hate mail, and deceit because I am different. I lost a lot.
But while choosing to be honest about who I love has been difficult, I have also gained so much. Not only that, but I have grown immensely. My faith has been challenged and endured. Their attempt to thwart my future has only been met with my finding out even more of who I am (I'll be more than they dreamed I could be).
I'm not giving up.
the new series "When We Rise," based on Cleve Jones' book.
Just a year ago even, it was all so fresh for me, so new. When DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) was overturned in the supreme court, I don't even think I realized at first. It was just another day. I was in Canada, I was about to leave for Europe, and I had pushed my own queer-ness to the back of my mind for the time. I wasn't ready to go back and work through it, even though I'd known so many years before. But what I didn't realize on June 26, 2015, was that just one year later I'd be planning my own queer wedding to the woman who is now my sweet wife.
I remember the day that British Columbia got gay marriage. 2003. I was just 11 years old, and I was told that it was a very dark day. I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but, apparently, equality was not considered a blessing. In 2005, all of Canada had legalized same-sex marriage. It took another 10 years for the United states to make that decision.
What I didn't see before today was the immensity of the struggle it took to get there. The marriage of two women was made legal just in time for us to make use of it. And we walked down the aisle and chose to love each other.
Still.
I may never have marched on Washington. I may never have been stabbed in a back alley for my sexual orientation. I may never have felt the stinging separation between lesbians and gays. But that does not mean I have been immune from the sting of discrimination or hatred. It does not mean that we have not spent long, dark nights crying, begging for things to be different. I was thrown out of college for who I love. I endured harassment, hate mail, and deceit because I am different. I lost a lot.
But while choosing to be honest about who I love has been difficult, I have also gained so much. Not only that, but I have grown immensely. My faith has been challenged and endured. Their attempt to thwart my future has only been met with my finding out even more of who I am (I'll be more than they dreamed I could be).
I'm not giving up.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Journeys of a Question-Asker
It began with me loving nature. And I think the question-asking sprung from there.Everybody has a story. Why don't we listen more? Today I'm thinking about mine. I heard someone else's. Now I'm left with bigger questions, but I'm grateful for them.
Why am I here? Where will I go? How is it that I'm still riding this river, this journey that flows through peaceful channels and over turbulent, cascading waterfalls. I've been a Christian much of my life. But I've also been a Pagan, a Wiccan, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and always a Question-asker.
So I ask those questions. I won't feel bad for it.
“There is so much deep contradiction in my soul. Such deep longing for God - so deep that it is painful - a suffering continual - and yet not wanted by God - repulsed - empty - no faith - no love - no zeal. Souls hold no attraction - Heaven means nothing - to me, it looks like an empty place - the thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God. Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything. For I am only His - so He has every right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God. . . .
Your devoted child in Jesus Christ,
Mother. Teresa”
Why do I worry over my questions when I see, within the chaos in this world, so many beautiful answers. So many beautiful moments. So many terrifyingly incredible waves of catastrophic glory. So I am left here wondering, reveling in the chaotic masterpiece of my soul and the souls around me.
Let's listen to the masterpiece for a moment, let's stop to hear the sound of the beauty in the hypocrisy of our own hearts. Maybe those questions will be the most beautiful sounds we have heard in a long, long time.
Sheila
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Bulimia Update: One Year Later
Trigger warning: ED behaviours.
Today this memory popped up on my facebook feed.
Bulimia Update, January 17, 2016.
It's been a whole year. It's bizarre to realize how far I've come and how much has happened. At the time I said that going 4 days purge-free was common, that I'd even had a couple purge-free weeks. Now it's weeks and months that are common. In the past 3 months it's happened once. It's no longer a daily struggle. Yes the thoughts do enter my mind, but I've learned how to deal with them. It doesn't mean it is never a struggle. There are days - especially those alone days.
Still - most of the time, I'm fine. Why? First of all, I've been on medication for almost 2 years, and that has helped enormously. I've also been in therapy on and off, and that has also been a huge blessing. I learned more healthy coping mechanisms. I came out. Let me tell you, the amount of stress and pain from being closeted is absolutely monumental. Unspeakable! So while there was a lot of pain and struggle that was born of coming out, it was the beginning of the end of the constant inner pain.
So today, I press on, learning more about myself, my world, grateful for the progress I have made because, to quote myself a year ago,
"I'm making progress. Yes, there is hope. It is possible to overcome. But it's a journey, it's not just a single step."
Another step has been taken, and I'm so grateful.
-Sheila
Today this memory popped up on my facebook feed.
Bulimia Update, January 17, 2016.
It's been a whole year. It's bizarre to realize how far I've come and how much has happened. At the time I said that going 4 days purge-free was common, that I'd even had a couple purge-free weeks. Now it's weeks and months that are common. In the past 3 months it's happened once. It's no longer a daily struggle. Yes the thoughts do enter my mind, but I've learned how to deal with them. It doesn't mean it is never a struggle. There are days - especially those alone days.
Still - most of the time, I'm fine. Why? First of all, I've been on medication for almost 2 years, and that has helped enormously. I've also been in therapy on and off, and that has also been a huge blessing. I learned more healthy coping mechanisms. I came out. Let me tell you, the amount of stress and pain from being closeted is absolutely monumental. Unspeakable! So while there was a lot of pain and struggle that was born of coming out, it was the beginning of the end of the constant inner pain.
So today, I press on, learning more about myself, my world, grateful for the progress I have made because, to quote myself a year ago,
"I'm making progress. Yes, there is hope. It is possible to overcome. But it's a journey, it's not just a single step."
Another step has been taken, and I'm so grateful.
-Sheila
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