I am enough.

That big, open, vast place of numbness and desolation.  That's the one that hurts the least and the most all at once.  That moment when the Overwhelming Uncontrollable has acted out its desires and the body screams at its owner who is helpless to change the situation.  The endless loop of "Never again" and "I'll never stop.  I'll never be enough."

It's then that the desire to fade away into the cracks between the wall and the floor overcomes all else and nothing feels at all.  No thoughts, no emotion.  And that is the most frightening feeling of all.  The knees come up.  The hands tuck in, the chin goes down.  All outside input slips further into the space around me.

I venture out, to clean my hands, my mind.  I step into the ocean of breezes just outside the door, knowing that within it are a thousand feelings, thoughts and emotions left there by countless other sojourners on this earth.  I can't hear them yet.  So I cry out to the One who made me to give me grace right now.  I know I won't suddenly be pulled out of this spiral, that I can't make myself more empty promises to break.

So I wander back, breathing deeply, smelling the fragrance of the wind, carrying the response from on High:  "My grace is sufficient."  For this moment.  For today.  For tomorrow and its failures or successes.

And so I struggle on, trying to learn that I am enough.

Thin enough.
Curvy enough.
Smart enough.
Fast enough.
Modest enough.
Individualist enough.
Creative enough.
Friendly enough.
Loving enough.
Faithful enough.
Patient enough.

Enough.