Real Life Bulimia

Oftentimes on this blog I seem to wax eloquent or talk about the depths, but today I just want to tell it like it is.  This blog is about my life in recovery from bulimia.  What does that look like each and every day?  And be forewarned, for some of you who identify as 'Squeamish' (with a capital S) may find a bit of what I'm going to say to be rather uncomfortable or disgusting.  And for those of you with these struggles, it could possibly be triggering.  Just so you know.

Well I'll say this first.  By some miraculous intervention, I still haven't purged.  Like some 12 days or something now.  But.  That does not mean I haven't binged - I've just managed to keep the binge down.  That also does not mean I haven't wanted to purge.  I have.  And the longer I go without it, the harder it gets.  Honestly after the first few days it got easier, as I  have always found that the first 3 days or so without purging are deathly difficult, but days like, 4 through 7 were actually pretty easy.  Just felt lovely not to be hurting myself all the time.

But then this week, it's been a battleground.  There is certainly a somewhat freeing feeling that comes with not having to hide that need to throw up whatever you just ate, not having to excuse your trips to the bathroom, not having to hide in the corner of a dark room somewhere so you can get the job done... but there is also a mounting fear because literally everything you eat is being processed by your body.

My body.  Yikes!

And that tension is kind of not healthy either.  Just another harming influence.  And that's hard.  There's the hunger that comes, and then there is fear: If I eat, will I be able to stop?  If I don't eat, will I be hungrier tomorrow?  What should I eat?  What even is safe anymore?

Because in bulimia, unlike in anorexia, there are very few safe foods.  For many of us, anything can become a binge food, even if it's unpleasant.  Granted, certain things are more triggering than others:  Ice cream, yogurt, pudding, chocolate.  All the fun stuff.

But as easy as those nice things are to purge, anything can be.  And on bad days, everything will be!  Even the worst of things.  The things that make you shiver as they come up, things that make your body ache.  The things that make you guzzle water and binge on tums the rest of the night.  

But I've not had that the last 12 days.  It's been marvelous.  But I've had the fear.  The fear that I would.  The fear it'll begin again.  The fear that I'll fall again.  The fear that I won't have the strength to get back up.  The fear that I won't be strong enough for everyone else.  For all the people waiting expectantly for me to 'get better'.  

And the fear of the past.  Fear for others.  

And what have I always said?  It's fear that causes pain.  Fear is the reason for pain in childbirth.  (not to say that we should expect painless childbirths by any stretch of the imagination... but that's a whole other topic)

So today my goal is to work on that.  To run back to the Source of Comfort.  To keep pressing on.