Real Life Bulimia

The past two posts were a zoomed-out view, but now I'd like to begin what I really wanted to do with this blog: share what it's like.

The last 3 days have been a roller coaster.  I love free space to think and dream, but with thinking and dreaming come all the emotions I hadn't been feeling before May.  All the ones I thought I'd felt but never really had.  All the chaos that was my inner life.  I was dying inside but I stayed so busy with life that I never even noticed.  That little extra bit of serotonin in my synapses made my emotional self light up and while it's great, there are times I just want to hide from myself.

It's in those moments that I realize the similarities between bulimia and organizing your closet: it always gets messier before it becomes complete.  I'm a messy person, I guess.  Maybe we all are, just in different ways.

Friday was one of those free space days where I just can't seem to find space from myself, and wherever I turn I bump into shadows and places I don't want to face - can't face.  And before I know it there's that overwhelming numbness that comes over me, and as I shamefully look back I can see myself scarfing the brownies or the corn flakes or goodness knows what other random things, just so I can get it all out.  The problem is that while for that short space of time where you push and pull your body to its limits, it feels cathartic, afterwards comes a numbness so great that the only escape is to begin the cycle over again, until your body aches and you find yourself exhausted and no one can quite figure out why.

It's not just because it's physically taxing, it's because your whole being is trying to figure out what just happened.  And you can never really be sure.  So as always, a pact is made with the self to never do that again. Life goes on, you smile, you hug people, you chew a piece of gum and down some water and hope for the best.

Well, I do.  Guess I'm still struggling to own it myself.

But then there are people who are willing to confront you. "Goodness, Sheila, look what you are doing to your body!  Use this for good, don't let it ruin your future."

And so I keep trying.  I keep fighting.  I won't give up.  Because life is still so incredibly beautiful and I am enjoying it so much.

2 days (mostly-ish) strong.  Keep fighting.