After

Being here has been a whirlwind of trying to find my land feet again after a long and wonderful time aboard a beautiful ship called Switzerland.  In some ways it has made dealing with all the lovely ED things more difficult, for the pain of leaving was excruciating.  I'm here for my parents and I can't tell you how lovely it is to be with them, but tearing myself from my roots once again felt like uprooting an old tree: wrong.

B/Ps have been getting smaller at least, even if not less frequent.  It's a start.  I've resisted some.  I've managed to hold back where I didn't think I could.  I've been met with love, when all I felt was anger.  And for that I am eternally grateful.

Anger at myself, and anything that made me do what I do.  Anger about everything that hasn't been as it should.  Anger that I've hurt those around me.  Anger that this monster has caused me to lie and deceive.  Anger that I'm not perfect.

And then joy that I'm not perfect.

And then yet another flood of tears.  Because I know I'm loved, both vertically and horizontally.  Because I both was born and was raised in beautiful places that sing the majesty of the One who made them.  Because I'm so ready to be done with this battle.  Because I'm still fighting.

Because I've been given so much.