I wasn't planning to write at this moment, but I feel I must. Here in the middle of a country that is tugging at my heartstrings - or at least where people I love dearly will stay as I leave, I wonder what all this time has taught me.
It's taught me that I can say no. No to injustice, to being taken advantage of, to burdens that are not mine. I can say no even to myself. For 5 years I have kept a 'mini-journal' where I wrote just a couple lines every night to remember that day. I did it faithfully every day, and somehow the last two weeks, I just couldn't. Didn't. Chose not to be a slave any longer even to my own tradition. I may pick it up again, but I won't be held by what I must or must not do to be perfect or good.
It's ironic, really, for even as I say that I remember myself just a couple hours ago, knowing full well I was strong enough to resist the (somewhat weakened) b/p urge, but still finding myself climbing the stairs to my place of secrecy. I didn't say no.
But at least I acknowledged that I could.
I learned also that I don't have to always know. I can sit back, allow awe to fill my face, and say "No way! I really didn't know that!" Or even admit to my own seemingly embarrassing error, smile, and learn from it.
I don't have to feel responsible for things over which I have no control, apologizing for the big and small to gain love or affection. If love and affection come my way, they are gifts to be treasured, not prizes to be earned. And I must take people as they are, with their bad days and good, their affectionate moments and the times when they need space.
Maybe I just needed to see that I'm just me, learning and living, unique and precious like everyone else.
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