The Me Behind the Shadow

I have no idea if this post will be post-able.  I just want the chance to write and to feel and to let myself feel me. I've been hiding from myself, trying to pretend that I'm fine, that I've figured myself out, and that's okay - sometimes we just have to sit with our feelings.  Bulimia numbs the feeling too, but only temporarily, and it makes so much else worse, so that's not really the answer either.  I'd like to be wandering through some deserted forest, and most evenings when I could have, I've found myself numbing myself with laughter and stories.  A temporary insulation from the rawness of my life, as raw and crumbling as any other life around me.

I still haven't changed the clock on my computer.  Right now, sometime at night, it reads 7:21am.  I can't bring myself to believe, entirely, that I'm not there, that I'm still hurting because I'm here.  But is that really why I am hurting?  No!  I'm hurting because I felt for so long like I was responsible for the chaos in our lives... our life.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I was too big, too something.  But I couldn't control that and I know it.  That's not it.  Just that I couldn't fix it after, find out sooner.  That I believed lies like some still do.  I want to fix it!  I want to be the one to make it all work...

And I can't be that person.  I can only build my own bridges, meditate on my God myself, find my own story.

Always trying to be wonderful.  Always trying to be the me that is who I think I'm supposed to be.

It HURTS, friends, it HURTS SO MUCH.  Feeling hurts.  And sometimes I just can't bear it.  I just can't deal with everything and how much it overtakes me.  Like the real me trying feel everything I've ever held inside, and that's an awful lot.  Oh inside, come out and let me feel again.

Maybe if I just allow myself to feel on the outside, I can show the real me for everyday, and not try to pretend my life.

To take away the shadow...