I will never be the same.

2 days strong.  Fear diminishing.  Urges slightly less intense.

Having such a hard time processing the last 7 weeks.  In some odd ways it feels as though it never happened.  And in so many other ways, I feel like I'm not even here.  When I begin to interact with the culture of my childhood, I find myself realizing the changed person I am, and I know I can never go back.

I will never not know what I know now about my birth.  I will never not have the relationships I (re)established.  I will never not have felt the depth of surety when I stood where I will live.  I will never not have had the experiences I did, learned the me that hides beneath the shell, bared my soul for the people I did.

I will never be the same.

But as I enfold the little lives I've had the privilege to be a part of, seeing signs of their own growing - gaps in smiles, longer legs, learned pleases and thank yous escaping small lips - I realize that my heart will always be a little bit broken.  And that has beauty too.

I can't undo the good and bad in my life.  I can't force the future to be a certain way.  But I can take steps to uncover the plans that I've made, and to see where they will lead - where, thus, God will guide.

I've pushed down so may boundaries, barriers, and walls, not necessarily to cross those lines now that they are not high, but to be able to see over them, so I might live a life full of more light.

Pressing forward.